STRICT PARENTING: A Reality Check for Authoritarian Parents Everywhere

What I say goes. Photo by Jalitha Hewage on Unsplash

My father was a Captain; a ship's Captain.

Not of passenger ships, of cargo vessels.

That's how he met my mother; his ship was in the Port of Hamburg for a few days unloading their hold, and he went to a dance club one of those night and saw my mother there.

The rest - as they say - is history.

As the captain of the ship, he had the final say on everything. He was the supreme ruler, and his commands had to be obeyed.

He tried to run his family the way he ran his ship.

(Do I need to tell you that this didn't work out?)

He ruled our family with an iron fist; he was un-bending and un-compromising.

He got extremely angry when anyone questioned his authority.

(I was usually the one doing the questioning and that resulted in severe verbal or physical reprimands.)

As the 
 "Captain" of the family, he expected unquestioning obedience from his "crew."

Now, this might sound crazy, but his attitude is the same as strict parents everywhere.

Strict parents expect to lay down the law and have their children obey.

As a child who came out of that kind of strict parenting, let me tell you that this won't work in the LONG RUN.

Oh sure, while your kids are young, they will do what you say.

But as they get older, (think: rebellious teen years) they'll push back.

Your power over me is merely an illusion. Photo by Erik-Jan Leusink on Unsplash



When I was 15, I asked my parents if I could start dating.

Dating had been forbidden until then, but I was in high school and I wanted permission to go out on dates - like everyone else.

I tried to reason with them; I told them they could meet the guy first, and if they didn't like him, I wouldn't go out with him. I said I would abide by whatever curfew they set, that I would always tell them where I was going, etc.

I told them I would adhere to whatever rules they wanted, if only they would allow it, but they wouldn't budge.

So... I lied to them. I went behind their backs. I did whatever I wanted.

The lies were easy; I just told them I was hanging out with my best friend.

There were times when I would have them drop me off at the mall for dates. My best friend might even be there waiting for me, waving to them through the car window.

She and I would shop a little before heading our separate ways.

And then I would go on my date.

Now, I wasn't very popular, so it's not as though this was a very regular occurrence.

But when I did go out on dates, my parents had absolutely no involvement, no say.

I do whatever I want. Photo by Raquel Pedrotti on Unsplash



Parents, if you forbid something outright, chances are pretty good that if this is something your kid is determined to do, they're gonna do it.

And by forbidding it, you've removed all of your potential say in the matter.

Here's what strict parents think happens:

PARENT: No = You're absolutely not allowed to do this thing.
CHILD: Ok = I won't do it.

Child never does the thing.

Parent has TOTAL control.

Here's what actually happens:

PARENT: No = you're absolutely not allowed to do this thing.
CHILD: Ok = I won't do it.

Child lies and manipulates circumstances to allow them to do whatever they want.

Parent has ZERO control.

Here's a better scenario:

PARENT: Yes= You're allowed to do this thing only under these circumstances, which involves our oversight in some manner.
CHILD: Ok = I can live with that.

Child does the thing within certain boundaries.

Parent has SOME control.

Do you see what I'm trying to say here?

By forbidding something, you think you have total control when it actually gives you zero control.

But by allowing it within certain boundaries, you can have some control.

Now of course kids can still lie.

But if you as a parent display a willingness to be flexible, you stand a chance of remaining involved in your kids' lives.

We want you around. Photo by Raul Varzar on Unsplash



Dear strict parents everywhere, here's your REALITY CHECK:

If you forbid something, you're encouraging rebellion.

If you allow it within certain boundaries, you can still have some control and involvement.

If you simply expect your commands to be obeyed, it's only a matter of time before your children go ahead and do whatever they want.

Take it from the kid of overly strict parents who she no longer speaks to; lack of flexibility is the surest way to push your children away.

The choice is yours, really.

So, you gonna be reasonable or what? Photo by Nathalie Jolie on Unsplash



You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating.



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