ESTRANGEMENT: Should I Get Back in Touch With My Family?
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Should I? Shouldn't I? Photo by Martin Dalsgaard on Unsplash |
CONFESSIONS
Let me start with a confession right out of the gate: I started writing this piece two months ago.
Obviously, it's an emotionally charged issue - FAMILY! - ESTRANGEMENT! - so I've been avoiding it the way one would a pile of dirty laundry.
You know how it goes: you see it, you know it's there, you know you should deal with it - but you really don't wanna - so you just walk around it.
What finally prompted me to deal with my "dirty laundry" is a piece I wrote recently where I referenced the abuse I went through. The reactions I got were so validating it made me realize I had to put my mental house in order around this subject.
See, the estrangement from my family up until this point had been unconscious - I hadn't actually made the choice, it just sort of happened - but I needed it to be conscious; I needed to CHOOSE.
It's the indecision we carry in our hearts that weighs on our souls, that causes anxiety and doubt.
We can only ever move on by letting go of the things holding us back.
How do we let go?
By deciding.
There is tremendous FREEDOM to be found in making a decision.
Where in your life are you avoiding making a decision? What does your pile of "dirty laundry" look like?
ESTRANGEMENT
I'm estranged from my family. All of the very many (many) specific reasons why - aka justifications - don't matter for the purpose of this writing because I'm not here defend my decision.
I think it's enough to tell you I was physically abused until I was 23, and made to feel so unbelievably unworthy that I attempted suicide on three separate occasions between the ages of 18 to 31.
For anyone who's estranged from their family, you know this decision isn't made lightly. It's generally not the first option considered; it's very much a last resort.
When all else has been tried - repeatedly and ad nauseam - and it fails, then and only then do we walk away, emotionally exhausted from years of trying to get things to change, trying to get them to be different.
Estrangement is a very difficult decision because it's the ultimate surrender; it's the death of hope.
BUT THEY'RE FAMILY
I've spent a literal lifetime denying the reality of who my family was because if I had faced the truth of the matter sooner, then I might have had to walk away sooner.
I refused to see the truth because I wasn't ready to give up hope.
The estrangement happened gradually.
I kept feeling bad after interactions (which wasn't unusual) but I was at a point in my life where I no longer felt that was ok.
(Dysfunctional family systems make you feel as though feeling bad is the norm, so you get used to it to the point where you don't question it. Until one day, you finally do...)
"Wait, why do I feel SO VERY BAD about myself every time I'm around them?"
And when I say "feeing bad," I mean to the point where I started contemplating suicide, again.
NEWSFLASH: If you're regularly spending time with people who make you feel so unworthy that you contemplate ending your life every time you're around them, YOU NEED TO STOP SPENDING TIME WITH THEM.
So... I'm estranged from my family.
The last time I visited with them was four years ago; Christmas 2020, in the full swing of the pandemic. A socially-distanced gift exchange in the garage with the door open; everyone bundled-up in their winter jackets passing presents to one another with mittened hands.
I haven't seen them since.
And the more time that goes by without them, the better my life gets, and the less reasons I can come up with to get back in touch with them.
Ok, I'm sorry, that's a bold-faced LIE.
There are NO reasons; the "reasons" are actually nothing more than a vague sense of obligation because they're "family."
That word is so weaponized - FAMILY - "BUT THEY'RE FAMILY...."
You know what?
Sometimes FAMILY does some really f*cked-up sh*t.
Timothy McVeigh was someone's family.
Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka were someone's family.
Sometimes FAMILY doesn't mean a damn thing.
Now, having established all of the above, I then need to admit that I've considered getting back in touch with them on a few occasions this past year.
(I know...)
Are all the people who are in your life right now adding to it and to you in a positive way?
DUTY + OBLIGATION
My mom was diagnosed with cancer this past summer.
I found out from my brother; although he and I don't see one another anymore either, we do occasionally communicate over text, mostly about major changes with my parents.
(He's dealing with them in their dotage. He didn't go through the abuse that I did and has a different relationship with them. He once said he feels as though he owes them for what they gave him. I said I felt they owed me for what they took.)
I didn't know what to do with that news.
Cancer.
I knew I couldn't be there for the process of whatever she went through, but should I at least show up, lend some emotional support somehow?
After all, she is FAMILY. She is my mother.
(The same mother who turned a blind eye every time my father hit me.)
At the same time, pressure from various family members, specifically my favourite Uncle who I am still in touch with, started.
A full-on campaign over text, along the lines of "You don't want to regret it when they're gone, she's your mother, it's your duty...etc."
(THE GREATEST HITS of GUILT + OBLIGATION… Now on repeat…)
As I was riding the emotional hell-scape of wanting to do what was best for me versus doing what my family wanted (funny how they never seem to be the same thing), my brother proffered an update: he said my mother had heard I might surface again, and she didn't want to see me.
Right.
Ok.
I guess that simplified the issue.
It was emotionally cutting, but I supposed she had as much right to cut me out as I had to cut her out.
(Although it felt very childish, very tit-for-tat, very like my mother... No, people don't change.)
But then a few months later, my father told my brother that although my mother didn't want to see me, he still did. He said that "in spite of everything" (what does that mean?) I was his daughter and he still loved me.
(You sir, have a very interesting definition of love.)
I received this proclamation three weeks before my wedding, so I told my brother I would keep that in mind, but it was no for now.
And then my Uncle started on the campaign again - PRESSURE; more pressure to get in touch - regrets, duty, blah, blah, blah...
(THE GREATEST HITS of GUILT + OBLIGATION… Now on repeat…)
I sent him a text message which he didn't answer:
"I want you to know that I love you so much, but I need you to stop getting involved in this. This is between me and my parents and I want you to please leave this alone."
Back and forth I went emotionally...
Is there somewhere in your life where you're acting out of duty and obligation, instead of genuine desire?
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The constraints of duty and obligation. Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash |
INDECISION CAUSES ANXIETY
Should I get back in touch with my family?The issue has come up several times this year; first with my mother, then with my father.
That re-visiting - should I or should I not get back in touch - is what tore me up.
Why?
Why?
Because the estrangement wasn't conscious, it just sort of happened.
I kept feeling so bad - which had been the case all of my life - but I finally understood that I wasn't supposed to feel so profoundly unworthy around people who said they loved me.
NEWSFLASH: People who truly love you make you feel good about who you are; they don't tell you at every turn how - if only you were different - they could love you more.
So I just kept not seeing them, not reaching out.
NEWSFLASH: People who truly love you make you feel good about who you are; they don't tell you at every turn how - if only you were different - they could love you more.
So I just kept not seeing them, not reaching out.
And it's been four years now of just... not engaging.
But when the health stuff happened with my mom, I questioned the estrangement.
And that took a lot of emotional space. Regularly re-visiting the estrangement has been disturbing my peace.
"No one can claim a right to your company; it’s your choice. Trust your instincts about whether or not to maintain an estrangement. Even if you don’t understand everything about the relationship, discomfort in their presence is enough reason to keep your distance. If the estrangement feels necessary for your continuing growth and stability, there’s your answer."
For more on changing your mindset and imagining good things click ⭐ here ⭐ to get my guide on Visualizations — yours FREE with subscription to my site.
But when the health stuff happened with my mom, I questioned the estrangement.
And that took a lot of emotional space. Regularly re-visiting the estrangement has been disturbing my peace.
Indecision always causes anxiety, as we emotionally flip-flop back and forth.
Where in your life are you undecided? How would making a decision help?
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I just cannot anymore. Photo by Aaron Smulktis on Unsplash |
CLARITY (aka A GOOD BOOK)
In my journey towards estrangement from my family, I came across a BRILLIANT author - Lindsay C. Gibson.
She has has a series of books all dealing with what she calls EIPs - Emotionally Immature Parents / People, all of which helped me understand a few things:
- Validation for what I went through during my childhood
- Why my parents are the way they are
- How who they were caused them to treat me the way they did
- What my options are now
She had a new(er) one that I hadn't read yet, so I bought it before Christmas: Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents
(I know, I know, very festive...)
The book has questions and writing prompts at the end of each chapter.
One of those questions helped me to finally end the emotional oscillation I've been going through for the last four years, since my "unconscious" estrangement.
- Is there anyone in your life with whom you’d like to reestablish contact? What specific terms for the relationship would have to be in place before you’d be willing to reengage with them?
This question was incredibly helpful because I had never directly asked myself what would be required in order for me to reestablish contact with my parents.
(Of course not - why would I ask myself what I want? Growing up, what I WANTED didn't matter.)
First - to be clear - there's no part of me that desires a reconnection.
I don't miss them, I don't miss anything about having them in my life.
(Do I miss the guilt trips? The sense of not being good enough no matter what I do? The feeling of responsibility and duty to be there for them, all while putting up with whatever crap they decide to hurl my way which I have NO CHOICE about because they are the parents and I am the child and what I want doesn't matter. Gee now...that's a really tough choice...)
It's only that feeling of should; that because they're family, I should want to see them, should want to reestablish contact.
(Life gets yucky when we should all over ourselves.)
Leaving that door open has been emotionally and spiritually draining.
It's like a broken tap that drips out one lone droplet of water at a time; on its own it isn't much, but over time, it saps away a vital life force.
So back to the question - what specific terms would need to be in place?
If you're constantly venting about a certain person, it's a sign that you need to set a boundary with them. Who in your life do you need to set boundaries with?
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Let me tell you what I need. Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash |
RULES OF RE-ENGAGEMENT
Maybe I had already answered that question on a subconscious level years ago, but not admitted it to myself.
Because the truth is, I knew that the things I needed in order to reestablish a relationship with them are all things they couldn't give me:
- Acknowledging what they did
- Admitting it was wrong
- Apologizing for it
- Changing their behaviour
That’s called — BEING A GROWN-UP.
Basically, in order for me to get back in touch with my parents, they would have to become entirely different people; people who can take responsibility for their actions.
Uh-yeah... That's not my parents.
People who abuse their children do so from a place of very deep unconsciousness.
To think that they'll suddenly - miraculously! - become conscious and enlightened and admit the error of their ways is - with all due respect - DELUSIONAL.
From the book:
"Overall, EIPs [Emotionally Immature People] usually lack the empathy and self-reflection necessary for a genuine apology. They are so adamantly self-involved with their certainties that they expect you to understand the situation from their point of view. They’re sure that if you just understood their experience, their actions would make perfect sense. With such a self-justifying attitude, relationships might be more likely to end up in estrangement rather than forgiveness..."
"Family sociologist Karl Pillemer (2020) has researched estrangement, and he thinks many people don’t offer apologies or amends because such an admission would be intolerable to their self-esteem… Pillemer found that many people in his estrangement study engaged in what he terms “defensive ignorance,” meaning they turned a blind eye to what they did wrong, common EI [Emotionally Immature] behaviour."
Emotionally immature people are at the developmental stage of a toddler:
- Everything is about them
- They do not have the capacity to self-reflect
- They believe that admitting wrong-doing means love will be taken away so they deny their actions
That is the behaviour of a child.
That is the behaviour of my parents.
Are you getting what you need from your relationships? If not, what's stopping you from asking for what you want?
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I don't wanna grow up. Photo by Marina Shatskih on Unsplash |
CONCLUSION
For the past year, I've been living in the space of the question about reestablishing contact with my family because of my mother's illness.
But this book with its nail-on-the-head question made me realize there's no reason to revisit this decision.
"No one can claim a right to your company; it’s your choice. Trust your instincts about whether or not to maintain an estrangement. Even if you don’t understand everything about the relationship, discomfort in their presence is enough reason to keep your distance. If the estrangement feels necessary for your continuing growth and stability, there’s your answer."
I'm happier without them.
I don't miss them.
I miss who I wish they could have been, but that’s like missing a mirage; it’s not real.
You have to take people for who they are, and if you can't then you need to get out.
The rules for any relationship are: accept it, change it, or leave it.
ACCEPT
I stayed for a long time, trying to accept them, but then they would continue behaving in infuriating ways (aka - they kept being themselves) and I would RAGE.
I couldn't accept them, and they wouldn't accept me.
CHANGE
I spent a lifetime trying to change them, which OBVIOUSLY failed.
I tried to change myself to suit them, but that was the emotional equivalent of stuffing my soul into a shoebox in a dark corner of the attic because I have to change myself so much to be accepted by them.
I couldn't change them enough to suit me, and I couldn't change myself enough to suit them.
LEAVE
So I walked away.
I have nothing to gain from being in contact with them, and I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel I have the right to ask "What's in it for me?"
(My parents always made me feel as though this was a selfish question, because I should be self-sacrificing to the point of my own depletion, especially if it was to their benefit.)
I've been estranged from my family for four years, but in that time, have re-visited the question again and again and again.
And it's the re-visiting that has to stop because it's robbing me of my peace of mind.
It can and will stop now because I'm finally making a conscious decision. The estrangement was unconscious for the last four years, but now it's conscious.
That question by Lindsay C. Gibson really cleared this up for me - what are the circumstances?
Turns out the circumstances are about as likely to happen as a unicorn flying into the front yard - aka not based in reality - so it's time to let go of the idea of a happy family reunion.
At this point, there's no reason to hang onto the idea of a reconciliation because there's nothing in it for me, and that's a good enough reason.
These people have already stolen too much of my life and my joy, and I finally believe that I deserve to be happy.
I'm truly done now. I just want to move on - FINALLY, finally.
I thought I had, but I hadn't, not really, because that door was still open, the decision hadn't been made.
But now the decision has been made; the door is closed and I am moving on.
I'm 44 years-old.
It's time to let go of everything holding me back so I can truly start living.
Is there anything or anyone in your life holding you back? What would it take for you to let go?
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Just livin' it up. Photo by Aaron Smulktis on Unsplash |
You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating.
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