ESTRANGEMENT: How I Met the Love of My Life by Walking Away From My Toxic Family
 |
| Photo by Transly Translation Agency on Unsplash |
Estrangement.
A strange word; an even stranger state of being.
es·trange·ment: the state of being separated or removed; the state of being alienated or separated in feeling or affection
I am estranged from my family.
If someone had told me this would happen one day, I wouldn't have believed them.
Although my father and I never saw eye-to-eye, I always thought that I was close to my mother and brother.
Turns out that being close to someone (emotionally healthy) isn't the same thing as being enmeshed (emotionally unhealthy).
en·mesh·ment: describes family relationships that lack boundaries such that roles and expectations are confused, parents are overly and inappropriately reliant on their children for support, and children are not allowed to become emotionally independent or separate from their parents.
The estrangement didn't happen consciously. It's not as though I said to myself "Right then, that's it now, I'm done with them all!"
It happened gradually; little-by-little.
Noticing just how bad I felt every time I interacted with my family.
Noticing how much energy it took to deal with the aftermath of those interactions.
Dealing with my family got to the point where every instance took me about two weeks to get over and involved a therapy session, lengthy conversations with friends, and at times, a renewed bout of depression and unworthiness so deep that I once again experienced suicidal ideation.
It's fair in difficult situations to ask ourselves "Is this worth it? What am I actually getting out of this?"
This wasn't a question I had ever been allowed to ask while growing up because according to my parents, I always had to put others (specifically them) before myself. If I even dared to say "what about me?" I was told I was selfish.
When I asked myself what I was getting out my relationship with my family, the answer was: nothing.
As I allowed more time to go between visits, I found that I missed nothing.
I didn't miss the guilt trips.
I didn't miss the constant complaining.
I didn't miss the extreme judgment; both of self and others.
I didn't miss the constant stream of negativity.
One of my friends helped me realize that what I missed when I thought I "missed my family" was missing the family they never were but wish they had been.
I was missing a mirage.
So...I just stopped.
First I stopped visiting; that helped to a certain extent.
Then, I stopped phoning when the topics of the calls became largely about why I wasn't visiting.
Time passed.
Then more time passed.
The more time went by, the more I asked myself "Is there any reason to get back in touch with these people?"
I literally racked my brain, prodded my feelings, excavated the contents of my heart.
My entire being said a firm and unapologetic "NO."
My estrangement then went from being accidental and un-conscious to purposeful and conscious.
I chose, and continue to choose, not to be in touch with my family.
 |
| Image Credit: The Minds Journal |
I don't know that I'm the villain in their story, but I do know they tell people I'm not mentally well - that I'm bipolar.
Because me not wanting to talk to them cannot possibly be due to any of the things they did and still refuse to acknowledge let alone take responsibility for, specifically the verbal and physical abuse.
It must be because I'm crazy.
If that's what it takes for them to sleep at night, then so be it.
It took me a very - VERY - long time to accept the fact that I cannot control my narrative in someone else's eyes because people are going to think whatever they want and - always - whatever suits them best.
My family cannot acknowledge, let alone apologize (someday when hell freezes over) for their past actions because they would then need to face what that means about them.
What kind of father hits his daughter from the time she's a child and into adulthood?
What kind of mother allows that to happen?
What kind of brother doesn't protect his sister?
FACT: People have an image of themselves, and they cannot accept anything which contradicts that image.
 |
| Photo by Kenzie Kraft on Unsplash |
Just because I'm estranged from my family, doesn't mean I'm ok with it; I would much prefer not to be.
But that would require them to be entirely different people, because I cannot allow the people they actually are into my life. (Not if I want to be happy and emotionally healthy. And I deserve that; we all do.)
Honey - trust me when I say this - waiting for people to be different than who they've already shown themselves to be is the fastest way to BREAK YOUR OWN HEART.
(I've broken my own heart more times than I can count with those kinds of expectations.)
The last time I saw my family was nearly four years ago; it was a week before my birthday and I ran into them in the parking lot outside our favourite restaurant.
I hugged them and we all wished each other well; no one spoke about the lack of contact.
Hope springs eternal, especially when it comes to family, so, thinking that perhaps a reconciliation might be in the cards at some point in the near future, I unblocked my mother's number from my phone.
One week later, the day after my birthday, she sent me a message along the lines of "Sorry I forgot your birthday, and sorry I made you bipolar."
I was instantly so angry that if blood could actually boil, my goose would literally have been cooked.
I responded with "I am not bipolar" and then promptly blocked her number again. (THIS IS WHY YOUR PHONE PRIVILEGES HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY.)
I had blocked her number because this is what she does; send messages that appear to have a kind intention (Happy Birthday!) but which also deliver a deeply cutting remark that somehow always makes things about her (I made you bipolar).
See? I broke my own heart - AGAIN - through false hope.
It reminds me of the story of the scorpion and the frog.
The scorpion asks a frog to carry him across a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion convinces him that he won't do that because if he does, they would both drown.
But sure enough, when they're in the middle of the river, the scorpion stings the frog.
As they both start to drown, the frog asks the scorpion "Why?"
The scorpion responds "Because it's in my nature."
People are who they are; expecting them to be different than who they've already shown themselves to be, to go against their nature, is foolish.
 |
| Photo by Austin Santaniello on Unsplash |
As I was going through intense therapy to deal with the trauma of my past, I realized that if I wanted to change my life, I had to set a (high) standard for how I would allow myself to be treated. And then, anyone who didn't treat me according to that standard had to go.
I had always had issues with men treating me poorly in relationships, but during therapy I realized the men I dated treated me exactly the way my family did.
I accepted poor treatment from my family, but then expected better from the men I dated.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's called a double standard, and it does not work.
How could I accept poor treatment from my family, but then set a boundary with the men I dated? (Or anyone else for that matter.)
Loose boundaries = poor treatment.
Tighten up your boundaries and watch your life improve dramatically.
I had been reluctant to set boundaries because:
1 - When you grow up in an abusive household, you definitely don't have the right to set boundaries. That's what abuse is: a constant violation of your boundaries to the point where it's more emotionally palatable not to have them.
2 - I knew the boundaries I wanted to have would mean cutting my family out of my life, and I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to give up hope. I thought if I didn't set boundaries and allowed them into my life, they would eventually see that I deserved to be treated in accordance with the boundaries I wanted them to respect. (Hahahahahahahhahaha. Accidental boundaries is so not a thing.)
We cannot expect the thing which made us sick to make us better; the antidote is never found in the bottle of poison.
 |
| Photo by Katrin Hauf on Unsplash |
As soon as I walked away from my family, there was emotional space.
For over a year after that, I lived in an emotional no-man's land. Having walked away from my family, I felt like an orphan. And although I had a few good friends, they had their own busy lives, as adults do.
Meaning I was very lonely.
Lonely, but also peaceful.
I didn't know what to do with my time, to be honest.
Dealing with my family and the emotional turmoil they caused had truly consumed all of my spare time and energy.
But suddenly, without that time and energy suck, I didn't quite know what to do with myself.
So, I got a second job.
I had been unemployed for over a year during COVID and had racked up some debt. Although I was gainfully employed again, I wanted to pay off that debt as soon as possible because I felt as though I was emotionally ready to let go of the feeling of "owing" anyone anything.
It took over a year of working two jobs, but I did it.
In April of 2023, I paid everything off. By that time, I had been estranged from my family for about two years.
That feeling when I made my last payment was indescribable. I had been in-and-out of debt from the time I was 19, and finally, over 20 years later, I was debt-free in a way that I knew in my heart I would never go back to.
Because for the first time in my life, I felt spiritually free.
I said to the Universe: "I don't owe anybody ANYTHING. Not my family, not the bank, not anyone. There is NO ONE who can come to my door and say 'Hey, you owe me...' because I am no longer beholden to anyone. For the first time in my life, I am TRULY FREE and there is space to LIVE."
One month later, in May of 2023, I met my now fiancé.
Aside from the occasional 3-months-or-less "situationship" I had been single for my entire adult life. My fiancé had been single for 10 years. (CONTEXT: I was 42, and he was 46 when we met.)
On our second date, we each asked the other "After having been single for so long, why do you feel you're ready to be in a relationship now?"
For my part, I told him I'd had a difficult childhood that had caused me to be very angry for a very long time.
"As long as I was busy holding onto that anger, there was no room for anyone in my life, there was no room for a relationship. But now through therapy, and with a lot of work on myself, I've let go of that anger and I finally have the emotional space for a partner. I'm finally ready and able to share myself with someone."
He proposed 6-months later; we're getting married this fall.
 |
| Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash |
It's almost unbelievable the degree to which you and your life can flourish when you find the source of poison in your life and cut it off.
If I hadn't walked away from my family, I don't believe I would have met my fiancé.
It's only because I wasn't constantly having to manage them, manage my relationship with them, and tamp down my trauma that I had the ability to love him.
If you're currently single and struggling to find a partner, take an honest inventory of all the things, people, and unresolved emotions occupying space in your life.
Then ask yourself if - based on that inventory - there's actually room for anyone else.
My fiancé has never met my family, and he likely never will.
I adore this man; he is good-natured, calm and rational, sensitive, patient, loving and considerate. (READ: the opposite of my family.)
The thought that my parents with their insensitive and deeply cutting comments might hurt him is completely intolerable to me; I simply won't allow it.
I once asked my mother why she finally decided to have kids (she didn't have me, her first, until age 35 after having been married to my father for 10 years.)
She told me one of her friends pointed out that if she didn't have kids, she'd be alone in her old age.
(Yeah, let's pause and let that sink in for a second.)
Being alone in your old age has little to do with whether you have kids or not; it has to do with whether or not you're the kind of person other people want to be around.
I feel zero guilt about my estrangement from my family. (I almost feel guilty that I don't feel guilty. Almost.)
All of us, somehow, in some way, eventually reap what we sow.
The state of my current relationship with my family is their harvest.
Meeting the love of my life and finally being happy is mine.
 |
| Photo by Sunguk Kim on Unsplash |
I wanna get closer to you
But how am I supposed to get through?
Keep putting out fires
But the flames get higher
I gotta stop listening to you
I'm gonna get hurt if I do
I'm getting so tired of preaching
To the choir
You dragged me down to a hole so deep
I'm crawling out on my hands and knees
I'd stick around but I know it's gonna be
The end of me
You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating.
Hey Friend! Thanks for reading. If you loved 💙 this post, why not subscribe? I promise to keep showing up for you with high-quality, thought-provoking content. Because every day is a good day to feel your best.
Comments
Post a Comment
Hey there! Thanks for taking the time to provide your feedback.
Your comment will be published after review.