What Are You Worth? How Dating Is Like Facebook Marketplace

Do people still meet in bars? Photo by Marc A. Sporys on Unsplash

I recently sold an old iPhone; 'old' only in terms of the Apple Universe which - with its constant new releases - means electronics become obsolete rather quickly.

The phone was in pristine condition because I take very good care of my things. I had always kept it in a case, and it hadn't suffered any kind of trauma (e.g. falling into the bathtub) so it was in perfect working order without a scratch on it.

Normally I give away my used items because I like making deposits in the Bank of Karma, and because frankly the work required to sell things online (taking pictures, writing descriptions, fielding questions, etc.) is a real fricken hassle.

The work of re-selling isn't worth it unless you can actually get a decent chunk of change for the item. (I do not understand people who post items for $5; please just give it away. Is your time not worth more than that $5?)

An iPhone - used though it might be - would raise a worthwhile amount so was worth the work.

When I decided to sell the phone, I looked at several sources in order to decide on a price:

• Apple and Amazon - To find out how much the item costs brand new
• Facebook Marketplace and Kijiji - To find out how much other used phones were going for and what condition they were in

Based on that, I came up with a Goldilocks price - not so high that potential buyers would flip past it, but not so low that I was short-changing myself.

I could have listed the phone for a slightly higher price and it would still have been a good deal, but I kept my eye on the prize: I wanted to sell the damn thing fast because as mentioned, selling online is a real pain.

Within 24-hours of posting on Facebook Marketplace, I had a dozen messages, half of which were trying to negotiate the price down. (Some of the offers were shamelessly low.)

My response to the negotiators was "The price is firm. It's a good deal."

Unwilling to negotiate. Photo by Madalyn Cox on Unsplash

I wanted to make it clear there was zero room to negotiate, and to remind the person of why they had clicked on my post in the first place - because an iPhone in that condition at that price was a good deal.

If they didn't like it, they could go elsewhere, because I knew the value of what I was selling and I wasn't prepared to give it away for less than what it was worth.

One of the negotiators responded with "I can come pick it up after work today."

Game. Set. And... match!

I sold my phone with virtually no hassle.

STRUGGLES WITH SELF-WORTH

My unwillingness to negotiate and thereby get the price I wanted made me think of my lifetime of terrible relationships.

For a very long time, I didn't think I had any value, so I constantly settled for guys who were far below what I wanted.

I didn't think I had any value because I'd been physically abused from childhood into my early 20's. There's nothing about abuse that makes a person feel worthy.

I had one dysfunctional relationship after another, and was constantly frustrated as I thought "How can people treat me like this?!"

It wasn't until I'd had a handful of years of regular therapy (and cut-off my family) that I started to believe I deserved to be treated better.

Once I started believing I had value, I raised my price; it now cost more to access to me.

I'm not talking about money here; I'm talking about the amount of effort you're willing to put in and how you treat me.

(Listen honey, if someone isn't willing to put in a good amount of effort at the beginning of the relationship - when they should be most concerned with impressing you - then get the hell out because things are not going to get better.)

Gradually, I started attracting better people and better relationships.

You get to set YOUR price. Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

HOW DATING IS LIKE FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE

I had suffered through dysfunctional relationships because I didn't think what I was selling (me) had any real value.

So what did I do?

I sold to the first - and often lowest - bidder; guys who really had nothing to offer. And not only did they have nothing to offer, but their presence in my life made it worse - they were actively detrimental.

At first they couldn't believe their luck because they were probably thinking "She's beautiful and smart, what is she doing with the likes of me?"

But then, when they saw me not valuing myself, they didn't value me either. They didn't treat me well.

I spent a lifetime trying to get unworthy guys to treat me better than they were capable of.

But that just doesn't work.

Do you know what does work though?

How you can get the whole world to treat you better?

EXPECT IT.

Seriously, it's that simple.

What does that mean?

It means getting to a place where you understand your value - what your true worth is - and then setting your price and refusing to negotiate.

See, you get in trouble when you start to negotiate.

When you say, for example, "I want someone who's capable of showing up on time to our dates."

And then the person is consistently late, but you don't walk away, you just continue to accept it. (Guilty as charged on multiple counts.)

You might get angry at the person, ask them to do better, but there's no incentive to change because there's no consequence - you're still with them.

You're telling people with your very presence that the way they're behaving is acceptable.

That right there?

Accepting behaviour you say you don't want?

That's called "slashing prices" - because you've just lowered what it costs to access YOU.

Don't slash prices on YOU. Photo by Tamanna Rumee on Unsplash

Accepting poor treatment is you saying you're willing to negotiate on your worth.

Now, I understand that for those of us who were abused or treated badly growing up, defining our value and really understanding what that means is a difficult thing.

It takes time to understand your value.

It takes time to set a price, and be strong enough to let people walk way if they can't pay.

It takes time to believe that, just because this or that person couldn't pay, there will be those who can.

It takes time.

But in the end, being treated better - getting what you want in life - usually comes down to nothing more than saying no to anything that isn't what you want.

FINDING THE RIGHT BUYER

I got married a few weeks ago to a truly wonderful man. I mean, a really great, sweet, kind, considerate, funny, awesome guy.

We got engaged 6-months after we met, and got married a year after that.

After being single for the better part of 42 years, what changed?

I set a price, and I was firm; I knew how I wanted to be treated and I wasn't willing to negotiate.

And although I had never met a man who was able to pay the price, I allowed myself to believe that it was possible.

And then it all happened really fast.

CONCLUSION

• Know when you are in a selling arena; be it Facebook Marketplace, the job market, or the dating pool.
• Take honest stock of the goods you are offering; if improvements need to be made, make them so as to raise the value. (If you're selling something that needs a coat of paint, paint it. If you need a new haircut or therapy, or job training, go get them; level-up.)
• Based on your assessment, decide on the price you're willing to sell at.
• Don't sell until you get your price; be willing to walk away from low-ball offers.

There are over 8-billion people on the planet; someone will buy what you're selling, but in order to find that person, you have to stand firm on your price and say no to anyone unwilling or unable to pay.

That's called "not settling."

It's called "knowing your worth."

If you wouldn't allow yourself to get ripped-off selling a used phone, don't allow yourself to get short-changed when it comes to your precious self.

Life is too short to settle. Photo by Marc A. Sporys on Unsplash

---

You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating.

---

For more on changing your mindset and imagining good things click ⭐ here ⭐ to get my guide on Visualizations — yours FREE with subscription to my site.

---

Hey Friend! Thanks for reading. If you loved 💙 this post, why not subscribe? I promise to keep showing up for you with high-quality, thought-provoking content. Because every day is a good day to feel your best.

---

---