The ANTI-WEDDING Wedding: You Don’t Have to Follow Tradition
Because every bride wants to pick hay out of her dress. Photo by James Bold on Unsplash |
"You may ask, how did this tradition get started? I’ll tell you, I don’t know, but it’s a tradition."
I'm getting married in six weeks.
When it comes to "tradition" it's worth examining why we do what we do, so that we can decide if there's a reason to keep doing it. (I think Tevye would have my hide for questioning tradition, but thankfully he's not here.)
So what is the origin of some the rituals that surround a typical wedding?
The Bride Being Given Away
In Medieval Times a woman was considered the property of her husband until - at the wedding - her father "gave" her to her future husband, usually in exchange for a dowery. (So he kinda, sorta paid the guy... "Here's some money / jewels / camels now take her off my hands!")
Not Seeing Each Other Before the Wedding
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I can't even believe it, even thought it feels as though the most natural thing in the world.
See, by the time I get married, I will be 44 years old and my fiancé will be 48. It will be the first time getting married for either of us.
That in itself is somewhat unusual; to reach middle age without having once made that commitment. The reasons why are another story for another day, but suffice it to say that neither one of us is entering into this lightly.
That being said, we're not making a big deal about the wedding itself.
There won't be any of the usual hoopla and fanfare and frankly, the absolutely astronomical cost of a traditional wedding.
(A girl at the office told me she and her husband spent $60,000 on their 120-person wedding. Holy f**k!!! That's a downpayment on a house!! For ONE day!!! And she said she didn't even get to enjoy it because they were so focused on getting the "production" right and there were so many people that she didn't get to talk to everyone.)
My fiancé and I are getting married in a restaurant. We'll have the ceremony in front of the large fireplace, followed by cocktails and dinner.
There will only be 18 guests.
There won't be a cake; no ring-bearer, no maid of honour or best man, and I don't have a colour-theme (I mean really??). None of the traditional stuff that makes a wedding a "wedding."
It's going to be what a wedding is supposed to be - a PARTY! - a celebration of a special occasion with the people who matter most to us.
Ready to celebrate. Photo by Nathan Walker on Unsplash |
TRADITIONAL WEDDING "TRADITIONS"
In planning our small celebration, I took a look at the reasons behind many of our modern-day wedding traditions.
So what is the origin of some the rituals that surround a typical wedding?
The Bride Being Given Away
In Medieval Times a woman was considered the property of her husband until - at the wedding - her father "gave" her to her future husband, usually in exchange for a dowery. (So he kinda, sorta paid the guy... "Here's some money / jewels / camels now take her off my hands!")
Not Seeing Each Other Before the Wedding
In the Middle Ages, many weddings were less about love and more about business arrangements between families. A father marrying off his daughter to a rich family would keep her hidden until she reached the altar so the groom couldn’t change his mind if he didn’t find her attractive. (I know, I know. Hey, it was the Middle Ages ok?)
The Bride Should Wear White
Many people think that brides traditionally wore white as a symbol of purity. The truth is that white was also closely linked to wealth because only the wealthy could afford to wear it and keep it clean. (Now that most of the developed world has access to washing machines, we can all look rich!)
The Bride Carries a Bouquet
In the Middle Ages, people only took a bath once year (shudder) usually in May. That's why June weddings were popular, because people were still relatively clean. (I would laugh if this wasn't so gross.) But just in case, the bride carried a bouquet to cover any potential body-odour. (Once a year people, once a year...)
The Bride Should Wear White
Many people think that brides traditionally wore white as a symbol of purity. The truth is that white was also closely linked to wealth because only the wealthy could afford to wear it and keep it clean. (Now that most of the developed world has access to washing machines, we can all look rich!)
The Bride Carries a Bouquet
In the Middle Ages, people only took a bath once year (shudder) usually in May. That's why June weddings were popular, because people were still relatively clean. (I would laugh if this wasn't so gross.) But just in case, the bride carried a bouquet to cover any potential body-odour. (Once a year people, once a year...)
Smelly bride, smelly bride, what are they feeding you? Photo by Alvin Mahmudov on Unsplash |
I could go on and on (literally) with the antiquated reasons behind our modern-day wedding traditions, but that's not the point of this post.
I only wanted to point out that the initial reasons behind most wedding traditions are ludicrous when seen through the lens of a more evolved (most days) society meaning if you don't want to do it the way it has always been done, you don't have to.
MY ANTI-WEDDING Wedding
The Bride Being Given Away
I'm estranged from my family, so they will not be present on the big day.
Still, my fiancé's father kindly offered to walk me down the aisle. I politely declined.
I'm my own person. It took me a very long time to heal from the wounds of my past; to grow strong enough to stand tall and proud on my own.
It's only fitting that I should confidently walk down the aisle by myself, with my head held high, as I fully own my decision to commit to building a life with this wonderful man.
Not Seeing Each Other Before the Wedding
This one is just silly. My fiancé and I are driving to the venue early - together - to get our pictures taken.
Neither one of us is going to change our minds because we decide with the big reveal that the other doesn't meet our standards of attractiveness. (We've already seen one another in highly unattractive moments - think Mexican bowl for dinner bloating and gas - and we're both still here. With the windows open...)
The Bride Should Wear White
A wedding dress is the most useless and expensive piece of clothing that exists. You literally wear it for a few hours, and never again, unless you decide to re-purpose it as a Halloween costume. (Think Miss Havisham.)
Do we think this is a good idea? Bridal dress swimsuit...? Photo by Noel Nichols on Unsplash |
Also, most wedding dresses look like lacy piles of whipped cream, and with all due respect to myself, I'm getting married at age 44 and would feel very much like mutton dressed as lamb in anything resembling a traditional wedding gown.
I wanted to buy a dress that I might be able to wear again, so I chose a forest-green silk dress with a delicate pattern. (In keeping with practicality, my fiancé is wearing a navy suit and tie instead of a tuxedo. Also because no grown man actually looks anything other than ridiculous in a bow-tie.)
The Bride Carries a Bouquet
I will be carrying a bouquet. (In spite of the fact that I will have bathed that very day!)
But only because it occurred to me that - with no one walking me down the aisle - I didn't know what I was going to do with my hands.
I couldn't very well let them swing casually by my side as I meandered up the aisle, could I?
Holding a bouquet takes care of that. (But I'm definitely not tossing it randomly into the crowd; it will be going into a vase at home to be enjoyed the week after the wedding.)
If I did have a ring-bearer, this would be my pick. Photo by Jen Vazquez Photography on Unsplash |
With all that said, you might ask "Why bother having a wedding at all?"
If wedding traditions are so antiquated, why not just skip it altogether, get married at City Hall with a Justice of the Peace, and be done with it?
Because milestones are worth celebrating.
And because I didn't think this day would ever come.
I had been chronically single (aside from the occasional 2-3 month situation-ship) my entire adult life.
I'd had a slightly longer relationship in college (1.5 years) but I was 21 when I met him and - once again - with all due respect to myself (and all 20-something year-olds out there) - I didn't know my head from my ass at that age.
Meaning that for 20 years, from age 22 to age 42, I was single.
The idea of meeting someone and falling in love - with both of us not only wanting to live together but also deciding to get married - seemed as unlikely as finding a unicorn that farted gold dust.
Sometimes though, if you wait long enough, and open your mind and your heart, the unlikely becomes likely; you find a unicorn. (No gold dust yet though.)
And that's so very worth celebrating.
A commitment matters.
A commitment sets up guardrails that help guide daily decisions.
A commitment ensures that you have to think good and hard before you walk away.
I've spent my life looking for the exits, because I had grown up feeling trapped within the confines of my family.
Now that I finally feel settled in my soul, I know that making this commitment is the right thing for me.
I'm excited to get married to my fiancé. I'm excited to be his wife and to be able to call him my husband because he's more to me than just a boyfriend or partner.
I'm excited to be married, not just for the wedding itself.
I've spent my life watching those around me celebrate their milestones, while I felt as though I was watching from the sidelines.
But since I've met my fiancé, I feel like a ship who's finally found a port; I didn't know where I belonged, but now I do.
So we're having a wedding to celebrate that, and it'll be what weddings are supposed to be: a party to celebrate an important milestone.
Doing things a certain way because that's how they've always been done is a stupid reason to continue doing them.
That's why I'm not gonna.
And you don't have to either.
I don't know nuffin' about tradition. Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash |
You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating.
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