MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF: How the Quest for Fame Is Related To Trauma
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| Shhh... I is hiding from da paparazzi. Photo by Chris Smith on Unsplash |
"Bad childhoods have an unfortunate tendency to drive us to seek out situations in which there is a theoretical possibility of receiving outsized approval... The emotionally deprived return, almost manically, to the question... "Do I deserve to exist?" And this is why they typically put unusual efforts into attempts to be famous and visibly successful."
I always felt I was meant to be famous.
From the time I was a kid, I thought that someday I would be recognized - that I would be seen and that my words and my ideas would be valued by millions of people.
I dreamt of writing a New York Times best-selling book (the only book list that counts) and of being on Oprah. (Because being on Oprah is the pinnacle of fame.)
From the time I was a kid, I thought that someday I would be recognized - that I would be seen and that my words and my ideas would be valued by millions of people.
I dreamt of writing a New York Times best-selling book (the only book list that counts) and of being on Oprah. (Because being on Oprah is the pinnacle of fame.)
EVERYDAY I'M HUSTLIN'
I've spent my life writing and public speaking with the hope of being seen and being heard.
I've spent my life trying to "make something" of myself, because - obviously - I was nothing just as I was and needed to find a way to validate my existence.
Take Lady Gaga for example, who had a group of haters so dedicated they started a Facebook group called "Stefani Germanotta* you will never be famous" where they regularly posted about how she was "an attention whore" and would never make it big.
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I've spent my life writing and public speaking with the hope of being seen and being heard.
I've spent my life trying to "make something" of myself, because - obviously - I was nothing just as I was and needed to find a way to validate my existence.
To simply live - without trying to accomplish some great feat - was not an option for me.
If I did that, I should feel guilty for "wasting my potential."
In case it isn't obvious, living like this is not fun.
I grew up in a fractured family.
My brother was not physically abused by my father.
My mother was not physically abused by my father.
Which meant that I've spent my life feeling as though I had to hustle non-stop.
Rest is not an option. (You're lazy!)
Leisure is not an option. (You're wasting precious time!)
Fun is not an option. (You're being frivolous!)
The result is that I've spent my life focused on doing things because of what I thought they would give me, instead of being motivated to act because of who I am. (Same same but different.)
Writing in order to produce a best-seller, instead of simply because it brings me joy and helps me understand myself and my thoughts a little better.
Exercising in order to get a thinner / leaner / more socially acceptable body, instead of simply because I enjoy moving my body in different ways.
Reading exclusively self-help books because I needed to "fix my broken self," instead of simply because I find human behaviour fascinating and want to learn more.
Dieting and trying to eat "healthy" all the time in order to get a thinner / leaner / more socially acceptable body, instead of simply because it feels good to eat nourishing food.
In case it isn't obvious, living like this is not fun.
It turns out that the motivation behind our actions changes how we feel about what we do in positive or negative ways.
(Ha! Who knew? Everyone but me...?)
Spending my life motivated to act in order to "make something" of myself and become famous has sucked all the joy out of existence.
Overall, my life has not been fun.
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| We’re not going to have a good time, are we? Photo by Samuel Jerónimo on Unsplash |
YOU ARE WORTHLESS
I grew up in a fractured family.
I was physically abused by my father from the time I was...young (maybe five or six?) until I was 23.
He was distant and emotionally removed from the family. Although he was physically present, he was totally checked out; he never knew what was going on in our lives because he was totally self-involved.
My mother was a warm, loving presence in the sense that she was kind and she took an interest in our lives. But she wasn't strong and she wasn't wise.
She looked away when my father hit me; self-preservation was what mattered to her, and at times when she did try to stop him, he turned on her.
So she looked away and let it happen.
My brother was not physically abused by my father.
My mother was not physically abused by my father.
Just me.
The message I got: I am worthless.
I am WORTH LESS than they are, because I get hit and they do not.
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| I'm just little; please be gentle. Photo by Олег Мороз on Unsplash |
TRAUMA AND THE QUEST FOR FAME
"The chief marker of being a good parent is that one's child has zero interest in being liked by a large number of strangers."
"The chief marker of being a good parent is that one's child has zero interest in being liked by a large number of strangers."
"...the appeal of fame is rooted in basic human needs, and differences in the desire for fame are associated with the extent to which such needs are satisfied."
According to American psychologist Abraham Maslow, humans have five basic needs:
- Physiological: The most basic needs, like food, water, shelter, and rest
- Safety: The need for security, stability, and freedom from fear
- Love and belonging: The need for friendship, intimacy, and acceptance
- Esteem: The need for respect, recognition, and status
- Self-actualization: The need to achieve one's full potential and creativity
(I acknowledge that some people don't even have this.)
However...
I did not feel safe.
I did not feel safe.
I did not feel that I belonged.
I did not feel worthy.
Basic human needs that were not met.
During his angry tirades, one of my father's favourite things to scream in my face was "Shut your mouth girl, no one wants to hear what you have to say."
My desire for fame - to write a best selling novel - was nothing more than a desire to prove my father wrong.
"See dad? People DO want to hear what I have to say."
That's extremely sad, while also being incredibly un-original.
How many famous people have chased success only to prove someone wrong?
And it's ok if that motivation drives people to accomplish great things. Many famous people have stories of being bullied when they were younger only to rise to meteoric fame.
Take Lady Gaga for example, who had a group of haters so dedicated they started a Facebook group called "Stefani Germanotta* you will never be famous" where they regularly posted about how she was "an attention whore" and would never make it big.
*Gaga's real name.
It's fantastic that she was able to prove those people wrong, especially because she's so incredibly talented and now the whole world gets to enjoy her music.
What I want to know - what I hope for her and all the other famous people who may have sought fame as an answer:
Does success fix the hole in your soul left behind by the people who hurt you?
My experience has been that developing self-esteem and self-worth is very much a "SELF" thing.
Self-esteem is the degree to which you ESTEEM YOURSELF; that's why it's called SELF-esteem and not OTHERS-esteem.
Self-worth is the degree to which you VALUE YOURSELF; that's why it's called SELF-worth and not OTHERS-worth.
You see what I'm saying here?
It's about you, honey.
It's not about anyone else.
And based on the number of famous people who have drug and alcohol problems, or who commit suicide, I would say that the answer to my question is largely NO:
Success DOES NOT fix the hole in your soul left behind by the people who hurt you.
The only person who can fill that hole is YOU.
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| It's up to ME?! Photo by Mikhail Vasilyev on Unsplash |
UNCLENCHING
If my soul was a hand, then it has been balled into a tight anxious fist all of my life.
But now I've uncurled my fingers and opened my hand; I've let go of everything.
There's no longer a need to strive, because there's no longer a need to get anywhere.
I have arrived.
I am here.
In the now.
I no longer want to be famous.
Actually, I think fame sounds awful.
CONFESSION: I learned this early in life during the time I worked on a cruise ship (which I wrote about here and here) although I refused to acknowledge that fact because I was too busy looking to potential fame for validation of my existence.
Which I believe is why I never tried quite as hard as I could have; on some level - somewhere deep in my gut - I knew that fame and the public scrutiny that comes with it would crush my soul.
I'm currently living a life that many people cannot even dream about:
- I'm married to a wonderful man and we live in a lovely home, in a safe and clean city.
- I'm relatively healthy, and live in a country that provides free healthcare should that ever change.
- I have friends who care about me; who I can and have ugly-cried in front of on more than one occasion.
- I have a stable job with benefits, a good manager, and great co-workers.
- I have an emergency fund. (Which COVID taught me was absolutely crucial).
I've come a long way from the single, un-employed (and in debt), overweight, depressed girl who tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions.
But that was me 10 years ago, in 2015.
At the time, the life I have now is one I wouldn't even have dared dream about.
Life is good.
Damn good.
Is it good enough?
Compared to who?
Compared to what?
When do we get to say "This is enough, for me"?
To embody the statement "Just because I can, doesn't mean I should, so I won't"?
I wanted to be seen, to be heard, and to be valued for who I am, specifically by those who did not - namely my parents.
Letting them go means I've also let go of the need to be validated by them, and my desire for fame has vanished in tandem.
It's enough that I'm valued by a handful of truly wonderful people.
More important than that, I value myself.
So now I...
Write when I want because I enjoy it.
Exercise when I want because I enjoy it.
Read what I want because I enjoy it.
Eat what I want because I enjoy it.
Life is... fun.
If the only thing I ever accomplish is a life lived in joy surrounded by good people, then it will have been a spectacular life.
And that IS ENOUGH. For me.
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| I'm the cat's meow. Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash |
You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating.
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