IT'S GOOD TO BE SELFISH: Why You Have to Put on Your Own Mask First
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| Is it really ok to think about what I want? Photo by Ricky Turner on Unsplash |
Analise: You know the times I’ve gotten into the most trouble? When I don’t put me first.
- How to Get Away with Murder - S5:EP10
I heard an interesting definition of selfishness this morning while listening to this book.
Selfishness is expecting other people to put our needs before their own.
(It was one of those "the needle scratched on the record in my mind and I can never be the same again after hearing this" moments.)
That's why we each need to put our own needs first; because if we don't, then we'll expect other people to put our needs before theirs and then when they do not - when we meet someone who actually has that *magical* emotional tool called BOUNDARIES - we'll end up feeling angry because we'll think "But I sacrificed myself for you!!"
That is emotional manipulation; it's a heavy burden of expectations under which nothing can flourish.
(My mother is an expert in this arena. Anyone else with manipulative parents or siblings? Raise your hand.)
Expectations are resentments in the making; they're an insidious poison that will permeate subtly but steadily until the emotional life is sucked out of whatever person or situation acted as a container for those expectations.
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| What do you expect from me? Photo by Aaron Santelices on Unsplash |
I grew up surrounded by selfish people and have spent a lifetime feeling as though I had absolutely no right to do what was best for me if it wasn't what those around me wanted.
My parents made me feel as though I wasn't entitled to want what I wanted specifically if it was in opposition to their wants and needs.
CONFESSION: I have been them. I've been angry at others for putting their own needs first.
I thought that's what it meant to love because that's what I was taught: to sacrifice to your own detriment; to give until you literally destroyed yourself.
My mother made me feel as though it wasn't really love until you gave so much it hurt. (Yes, she does have martyr complex.)
Which meant that for a long time, all of my romantic fantasies saw me sacrificing myself for the sake of another.
That's why I've always felt totally spent at the end or every romantic relationship I've ever been in; because I gave more than I truly had to give. I always prioritized the needs of my partner over my own.
It's not until very recently that I realized all of the broken ideas of 'love' my parents taught me - control, emotional manipulation, guilt - actually have nothing to do with love.
I'm on a journey of self-acceptance and am working to forgive myself for my past actions; all of the fractured ways in which I attempted to get love, as taught by two people who themselves did not know how to love.
Now I know the only way to love anyone - FOR REAL - is to take care of my own needs first so that I don't expect others to meet those needs.
NEWS FLASH: it's generally not their job to do so. As a grown adult human, it is MY job to take care of MY needs, and not to farm those tasks out to the people around me.
Self-love isn't a union job; it's a private enterprise. (<-- See the word 'self' in self-love? That means you my dear, not anyone else.)
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| It really is ok to think about what makes me happy. Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash |
You might think that putting your needs first is selfish, when in reality it's one of the most altruistic things you can do for your relationships.
When you put on your own face mask first, you can finally breathe. You aren't holding your breath waiting for anyone to come and throw the mask over your face, because you've done it yourself.
When you tune in first to what you want and need, then you can go out into the world with no expectations. Your transactions are "clean" because there are no strings attached; there's no emotional debt accumulating.
Now that is FREEDOM.
Hope for the best. Always. But expect nothing, from anyone.
Because the truth is the world doesn't owe you anything.
So, put on your own mask first.
Therapist: There's no moving forward until you love yourself.
Analise: And if I can't?
Therapist: Then you'll stay where you are - angry, lonely, sad. All because you put other people first. You put their feelings before yours - what they need, what they want. Until you wind up in the hospital again, strung out, left for dead. Or just...dead.
- How to Get Away with Murder - S6:EP1
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| No expectations, just wonderment. Photo by Chi Lok TSANG on Unsplash You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating. Hey Friend! Thanks for reading. If you loved 💙 this post, why not subscribe? I promise to keep showing up for you with high-quality, thought-provoking content. Because every day is a good day to feel your best.   |
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