VANITY POUNDS: When You Just CANNOT Diet (or Intermittent Fast) Anymore

Now that was a good meal. Photo by Mark Basarab on Unsplash

"I urge you to get to your leanest livable weight and then – whatever it is – decide that it’s ok. Because your weight is not the point. You were not put on this earth to mold yourself into a perfect physical specimen... Your body is not your masterpiece, your life is.”

Traci Mann: Secrets from the Eating Lab

Leanest.

Livable.

Weight.

'Livable' is the key word here.

For those of us who've been on diets, you know without my needing to tell you that diets are not livable.

They often require that we change our eating habits in such drastic / strange / oppressive ways that it's truly not livable. We can't go out for a normal meal with our friends or family without having to check if our 'special diet' can be accommodated.

And even if it can, we kind of wish the friend / family member / restaurant had just said no so that we could actually EAT THE BREAD and mashed potatoes... and all the carbs... "I love the carbs but am not supposed to love the carbs because I am too big and I ABSOLUTELY must MUST shrink myself."

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I went on my first diet when I was 11; I've been either on or off a diet ever since. (Perhaps you can relate?)

It was always some weird, unpalatable combination of food, or restriction of entire food groups.

I would regularly have panic attacks at the grocery store when I accidentally came across my forbidden food. I would stand there frozen, with anxiety and dread washing over me as I broke into a cold sweat while I looked at the food that I did actually want very much, thank you, but was definitely not supposed to have.

I've literally spent a lifetime fighting food, fighting my body, and I'm just tired of it.

They said I would lose weight on a vegetarian diet... Photo by Hoyoun Lee on Unsplash

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I decided to stop dieting and intermittent fasting by accident.

I joined a gym last spring and went from doing midday workouts, to early morning workouts. (READ: 6:00 AM)

Up until that point I had been intermittent fasting (IF) for 18-20 hours a day, but now with my morning workouts, I could't make it until lunchtime without eating.

For the first time in six years, I started having breakfast.

And that caused an internal damn to break, and I started actually eating again. Like, ALL THE FOOD.

It felt so GOOD to just eat.

I found true joy in going to the grocery store - no more panic attacks! I could open the fridge and cupboards, knowing that nothing was off-limits anymore.

But, obviously, I started to gain weight.

EATING MORE FOOD = GAINING WEIGHT.

The truth is, for the past six years, I had only been eating one real meal per day.

While doing IF, I would have a cup of coffee for breakfast (NOTE: coffee is not breakfast), a small piece of chicken and small salad for lunch (literally every single day; I never want to see a salad again), and then I would have a big supper with dessert and snacks afterwards.

That's why I struggled with binge eating for years; I was starving all day and by the time dinner came around - the time when I actually had permission to eat - I ATE ALL THE THINGS.

In spite of that, I was still only eating one meal. (I'm not counting that tiny piece of chicken and few salad greens as a proper meal; at best, it was a large snack).

And I was generally able to maintain my weight on the thin side for me. (Although admittedly, I went through periods of time when I was bingeing so heavily that I put on those extra pounds anyhow.)

I think most of us have our lean weight, and the weight we get to when we overindulge for a while.

For me, the difference is about 7-10 lbs from leanest to roundest. It's normal for our weights to fluctuate by about that much based on the seasons, different activity levels, etc.

When I got on the scale recently after a weekend away with my husband, I saw that I was at the extra 10 pound mark.

Old me would have panicked, would have immediately come up with a plan for the next diet.

New me felt... tired.

You see, I have a Smart Scale, and it tells me that my current weight is only 2.5 pounds less than it was when I first stepped on it six years ago.

In that time, I have lost and gained the same 10 pounds, again and again.

When I saw that, I felt defeated.

But I also felt as though I was finally ready to give up.

It would have been so much easier emotionally had I not put myself through all those diets; all that restriction and subsequent bingeing.

I wasted so much of my precious life trying to lose what at the end of the day are 10 vanity pounds.

(NOTE: If you have real weight to lose for health reasons, that's another matter; I'm talking about those of us who are fighting our bodies over 5-10 lbs.)

Instead of having two sizes of clothes, I could have had just one - the one that had me at the weight my body's back at right now.

In order for me to weigh significantly less, I need to be vigilant, and to restrict, and to put a lot of thought into my food intake. All that manipulation and control is exhausting.

I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to spend my life trying to shrink my body for what, at the end of the day, are not health pounds, but vanity pounds.

No one has noticed the weight gain, not my husband, not my friends, no one. Just me and my scale and my unforgivingly tight pants.

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Back to where we started.

Leanest.

Livable.

Weight.

What is your "leanest livable weight"?

The weight you can easily sustain, which allows you to participate in life - in all of your favourite activities - without needing to be vigilant and restrict yourself?

That allows you to eat bread at the restaurant if you want, or to say no because you don't want to ruin your appetite for the delicious pasta that's coming (versus a fear of getting fat)?

Your "leanest livable weight."

I admit that mine is 7-10 lbs higher than what I would like.

But my weight at this higher range in no way impedes my ability to do any activities I want to do; in no way is it hurting my health.

Like I said, they're just vanity pounds.

Of course I want to look good; we all want to look good.

But not at the cost of sacrificing a large portion of precious life energy on fighting a body that seems determined not to be whittled down to nearly nothing.

I'm a little round but still loveable. Photo by Hans-Jurgen Mager on Unsplash

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