BIRTHDAY REFLECTIONS: The Privilege of Ageing and Letting Go of the Past
 |
| Me ~1987. Image Credit: Author |
I'll admit that I don't love the wrinkles or strands of glitter appearing in my hair (read: grey).
But I do love the fact that I have the privilege of waking up every morning to live another day. I've lived a tumultuous life and haven't always felt that way.
For many years I suffered under the weight of the abuse I went through as a child and into young adulthood. I tried to end my life on three separate occasions; I'm so very glad I didn't succeed.
; ; ;
Because it turns out that things do get better.
Not by themselves mind you; it doesn't just magically happen, at least it didn't for me.
No, it required shedding many tears and taking the appropriate time to mourn what might have been but never will be with my family.
It took time for me to accept that things could not have unfolded in any other way.
To think the past could have been different would be to believe my parents could have been different. But they couldn't be other than who they were: two very broken people foisting their brokenness onto others.
Rewriting the past is impossible.
That didn't stop me from trying; I spent a lifetime mentally, emotionally, and spiritually fighting with my past.
It ate me up; that anger, and the desire to do the impossible and change what was.
But then I realized if I wanted to take ownership of my life - to truly and finally live - I had to let it all go.
It took time to let go of what was done to me.
And by let go, I don't mean to condone it, no.
I mean to let it go.
I thought that if I let it go, it was as though I was saying it didn't happen or that it didn't matter.
But letting go just means that you remove the power from the thing that hurt you to keep hurting you because you finally believe you deserve better than the pain.
It takes time to believe that when all you've known is unfairness, injustice, and inexplicable punishment.
 |
| Me ~1982. Image Credit: Author |
I used to look at people who were living normal happy lives, who were being treated well, who were surrounded by people who loved them, and I thought "Why can't that be me? Why can't I have that?"
It turns out that I can.
I was unemployed for 13-months during COVID and amassed some debt. By the time I was employed again, I realized that it would take me a few years to pay off what I owed unless I got a second job.
So I did; I spent a year working two jobs. At that time, I had already been estranged from my family for nearly two years, and had been in therapy for four years.
That feeling when I made my last payment was indescribable; for the first time in my life, I felt spiritually free. I had let go of the things holding me back.
I said to the Universe: "I don't owe anybody ANYTHING. Not my family, not the bank, not anyone. For the first time in my life, I am TRULY FREE and there is space to LIVE."
One month later, in May of 2023, I met my now fiancé; I finally had space for someone else in my life.
And now I'm that person I used to envy; the one living a normal happy life, being treated well, surrounded by people who love me.
 |
| Me ~1981. Image Credit: Author |
Letting go is a powerful thing.
It's something that, as I get older, I do more and more of.
Feeling inadequate at work?
Eh, who cares? I'm not perfect, and I'm here truly doing my best, so I'm already ahead of the curve.
Put on a few pounds?
Ah well, my fiancé loves my butt so now there's just more of it. And since I'm financially stable, I can afford to buy bigger pants.
The best thing about getting older is letting go of the need for the approval of others.
It feels really good to have a thought along the lines of "What will they think?" and then take that thought, put it in a box, and give it a good swift kick to the curb.
As my one of my favourite authors, Mark Manson, says "You only have a limited amount of f*cks to give, choose wisely."
When I start giving a f*ck about something that doesn't really matter, I say to myself "I don't have enough f*cks left for this." (And then I kick that box, hard.)
That's my favourite thing about ageing; caring less about things that don't matter, and caring more about things that do. (And finally having the wisdom to understand the difference.)
Because at my age now, I'm realizing that - God and the Universe willing - I'm probably half-way through my life.
Time is PRECIOUS.
When you're younger, life feels endless and time feels like a constantly replenishing resource.
But as you get older, you realize that you can never get today back, so living this moment well is the best thing you can do. The only thing, really.
I don't know if it's the fact of getting older or my naturally introspective nature, but now I wake up more often than not realizing that there will be a day when I don't get to wake up. When I will have run out of opportunities to do / say / be whatever I want.
There will be a day when I have less and less tomorrows. Until there are none.
Not for a very long time, I hope.
But there will be a day.
It can be painful to live in that awareness, which is why most of us don't.
It's also not practical to live in that mental space because it lends a poignancy to everything which is too heavy for every day life.
But it's a good thing to think about, sometimes.
A birthday is a great time to think about how finite life is, so that we can feel grateful to be here and to have the privilege to live another day.
I'm really, really grateful that I get to be alive; and more importantly, that I very much want to be.
So many people are denied the privilege of getting older; they die before they've fully lived.
If you're alive and able to live life as you see fit, then today is a very good day indeed.
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
But today is a gift; that's why it's called the "present"
 |
| Me ~1981. Image Credit: Author |
You might be asking yourself "How does this topic relate to recovery from binge-eating?" What I found is that - for me - finding new ways of thinking about life and its challenges helped me to stop stress-eating, and has been a very big part of my ability to stop binge-eating.
Hey Friend! Thanks for reading. If you loved đź’™ this post, why not subscribe? I promise to keep showing up for you with high-quality, thought-provoking content. Because every day is a good day to feel your best.
Comments
Post a Comment
Hey there! Thanks for taking the time to provide your feedback.
Your comment will be published after review.